wanWan

4th February 2006
I’m back from back from Ipoh yesterday. This 4 years CNY have leave me with a very special feeling. Every time during CNY, every time I went to my ‘wai po’ house, every time… every time I saw him, this feeling keep on coming back and it’s growing stronger year after year. Yea, I know what this feeling meant. I have tried to forget it; I have tried to throw it away; I have tried to cover it up with black clothes; I have tried everything I can… but, it’s useless. I am only lying to myself. No matter how many times I got hurt days after CNY, after he went back to Sg, I still have this feeling for him. No matter how many times he hurt me, I still have this feeling for him. No matter how different he is when he is on 9, I still can’t forget him. I thought that it’s already enough as long as I can see him. Although it’s only once a year, although it’s only two days every CNY, although it’s only two days… it’s already enough. But, is it really enough? Is it really enough? I was wrong. In fact, I want more than that. I want to be more than a friend with him.
Now that he has went back to Sg. He didn’t greet me good bye as usual this year because I don’t dare to look at him. I don’t dare to look into his eyes as what I did years before. Then suddenly, ‘yi jiong’ ask me to drive as I did not drive for 10 months. He asked me to drive to the station where he and family were waiting for the bus. I was very happy. I did not care how far it’ll be. I just know that I’ll be safe as long as ‘yi jiong’ is sitting by my side. I just know that I want to see him one last time. There is nothing in my mind except him. Who knows what will happen next year. I want to see him… to say good bye… However, I can’t fight with destiny. We went to the wrong station... ‘Yi Jiong’ got mix up. But still, I have confidence that I'll see him which I din't at the end...
I’m going to miss him a lot. The next day, when I thought my cousin ‘fang wo fei ji’ (which is not true), I cry out aloud, hiding under my pillow. I cried not because that I’m mad with my cousin, but because of the last night incident. Am I getting upset going to the wrong station? I don’t know.
I know that it is impossible for me to be with him. I know it’ll always be impossible. No matter he loves me or not, it’ll always be impossible. We were really far apart huh… Never mind, I’ll be okay. I’m happy as long as he is leading a healthy life, I’m happy as long as he is fine. However, it’s hurt when thinking that someday, he will has someone special in his life which it will not be me, and it’ll be more hurt when thinking that eventually, I’ll be invited to his wedding party. I can do nothing about it… Or perhaps, it’s me that don’t want to do anything about it. I really want to tell him my feeling. I really want to know his feeling. I really want to know his everything. But, something holds me back. Because he was my cousin and I’m not the perfect girl after all……

Wen Jie, I hope my feeling for you will fade away when I see you again next time. Cya again and happy forever….